Misery loves company: What's worse than one child with anorexia? Two of course...

 So after 4.5 years my youngest has copied the eldest in order to manage her stress with anorexia.

I can only describe this as the world contracting around me into a miasma of gloom, where no light shines anymore. To see a horizon requires a combination of incredible presence and a naïve optimism that is the irrationality of a dying traveller seeing a mirage in a desert. 

I know, objectively, I have to resist this temptation, but living in the moment and being able to see the good and the joy, just becomes exponentially more difficult when you're trying to keep two teenagers from starving themselves to death and are failing.

The hardest is knowing that what they need - a father who is present able to share in their joy and be open enough to them that they can talk - is almost impossible without a supreme effort.

After each setback (and these are both big and small and populate every day, one after another out until god knows when...) as you crumble internally and the buzzing in your ears rises to where all you want to do is scream (at the dinner table, in the car, inline for coffee...). You then have to breath deeply, find the space and/or time to gather the pieces back up  (this is actually the part that in some ways feels most taxing the worst and most soul destroying because you have to keep doing it and doing it and doing it) and be able to dissipate the anger and frustration at life, the illness, the child, the universe; and then tall slowly and softly to them, try and find someway to get them to engage with the illness or their current worries and, most importantly, that you're still there for them and they are loved and safe.

Its exhausting, and over the holiday period, its been more difficult than ever. I have not been coping, which means I am not there for them, which makes me feel worse, which means we are all mentally suffering and its not helpful...but here we are.

I'm angry that they didn't respect the deal we had to not lose weight before travelling, I'm angry at their mother for not telling me how they were before she decided to bring them out. I'm angry that in the last 5 years I have paid a small fortune on family holidays that have left me drained and exhausted, with the exception of one lovely weekend in Munich to see Cirque de Soleil (a lifetime highlight by the way, go see them, its magic). I'm angry they promised not to be difficult about what they ate, but are...I'm angry my sister doesn't know how to be sympathetic about the whole thing, because she has three kids of her own...

I don't like being angry and exhausted the whole time...

I miss a dear friend, who I have feelings for, but I can't see because my goddam residents permit hasn't yet come through and the kids illness has meant I have put off properly seperating from their mother, becuase the calculus of harm to the girls is impossible to know and that makes me both depressed and frustrated. I miss her all the time, and I know in my heart that I have probably missed the window of opportunity to try with this woman. I don't know why, we both have complicated lives, but to me at least I feel like I have missed the boat. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am getting the signals wrong. but it prays on my mind a lot. She's just such an amazing human being, warm, empathetic, kind, intuitive, smart, funny - just a beautiful soul. Most importantly, I feel 100% safe when I am with her. She will be direct with me when I need a jolt, she's unique, wonderful, beautiful and has impeccable dress sense. Honestly, what's not to love... 

My problem right now, mostly, is I just feel powerless about too many things and trapped, and afraid I have missed too many opportunities in life and that I have fucked everything up. I know this isn't a helpful way of thinking, but in the last year basically the only thing that has gone right is leaving my last job and setting up as an independent consultant.

Given things really can't get worse at this stage (both girls probably need to be hospitalised when we get back to France), I guess I just need to stop worrying about consequences I can't control and do whats right for me. I've put it off too long already, because I hate conflict and their mother has been manipulative and abusive for so long that it requires much more energy and courage to do this than it should and I have zero emotional reserves for that at this time. But somehow I just need to do it.

I'm just tired, endlessly tired of breaking, putting myself back together and carrying on...my girls need me, but I worry one day I won't be able to put myself back together...

Which, somehow was fine, I'm strong and I have learnt an immense amount about how to care for myself with my wonderful therapist Edwin, but now other people have also started to worry about me cracking, which makes me think maybe I am now closer to that point than is safe...

I'm just so tired of it all.